Elena, a young Macedonian au pair in Nantes for 1 year with a background in child psychology, talked to us last month about positive education. This week, she talks about sibling rivalry and how, as parents or au pairs, we can best manage these rivalries.
Introduction: Sibling rivalry
As parents or nannies, we often come across sibling rivalry. Fighting between them is a normal behavior that goes on in the family. In this article, we try to find out more about what rivalry is, how it works and how to deal with it.
What is sibling rivalry?
Sibling rivalry is verbal or physical fighting between siblings.
The term was first used by child psychiatrist David Lemy, after he experimented with children, showing them dolls that represented their siblings and dolls that represented their parents. They would show hostile behavior to the dolls that were supposed to be their siblings. They expressed their anger and jealousy by tearing the dolls apart. Ensuring that this did not only apply to children from one cultural background, the experiment was repeated based on the diversity of children raised by different cultures. The results were significantly the same – the majority of children demonstrated similar rivalry in the experiment. The conclusion was that, regardless of age, culture, gender or birth order – sibling rivalry is part of family life.
Why does this happen?
The cause of sibling rivalry is often the parents’ need for affection and attachment.
- The younger child needs more attention and occupies most of the parents’ time, which previously was not the case, this can provoke anger and resentment in the older child who has already had the attention and love. They’d be hostile to the new family member, they wouldn’t want to share toys, they’d feel sad and far from their comfort zone. They might try to achieve and excel in other areas such as school grades, homework, sports or, in general, work harder to win back their parents’ praise and attention. According to psychologist Alfred Adler, birth order plays a role in the development of a child’s character.
- The younger child would be inclined to be competitive, rebellious, creative and would have trouble finding a place in the family before he or she was the youngest and got the most attention and now he or she would have to share their parents with the new member and have the role of the eldest.
- According to Adler, the youngest child would find it hard to accept the answer “no”, because before all their needs were met. They’d feel more at ease with adults and be fun to be with, and so on.
But of course, this is just a theory and a way of understanding how birth order might affect your child’s behavior and by understanding their behavior and personality, you might discover the causes of sibling rivalry.
Every child wants to find his or her place and role in the family. Thoughts from Adler’s birth-order theory can help us understand how the roles we give our children shape their personalities. For example, the eldest child may be seen as a role model for the youngest, given more responsibility and adapted to his behavior, because he is encouraged to adapt it from an early age. Difficulty in accepting “no” as a response to the needs and demands of the youngest may stem from previous situations where all his wishes were met, since he is after all the youngest.
The most important thing is their need to be recognized by their parents. Like everyone else, they need to feel recognized, loved and praised by their parents. The lack of their basic human need for acceptance leads them to be jealous and angry with their siblings and parents.
Sometimes they accepted the new member of the family without a problem, but they resented their parents.
But why? Well, they didn’t say or choose to have a new member. Every child reacts differently to change. So, now that we know why children face rivalry-how do we help them, and what should we do about it?
How can you help and guide your children as a parent or au pair?
It’s natural for children not to want to share – either their toys or their parents’ affection.
Fear of losing their place in their parents’ hearts and of being insignificant in their parents’ eyes is what leads them to act unfriendly towards their brother or sister.
So consider that their unfriendly behavior is part of their fear and sadness.
The best way to help your child is to point out their behavior, acknowledge their feelings and listen to them. Empathize with them.
If they start talking and expressing their thoughts, it’s a way of easing their feelings towards their siblings. Take the time to explain the new situation to them, the sooner the better.
- If you have the opportunity to involve your child as early as possible in the process, do so.Make preparations as a family, not just between parents.
- Give your child small responsibilities,
like choosing new toys for his new brother or sister, asking for his brother’s or sister’s pyjamas while you bathe him, helping out with other little things, and so on. This won’t make him feel excluded and alone. - Do not promote or encourage competition among your children. Comparing them to other children is bad enough; you don’t want your child to feel anxious or incompetent towards his or her sibling. Favoring one of them will make things more negative.
- Do not make him systematically share his toys. They are his toys, and he is entitled to his own. After a while, you can encourage sharing, but it’s not a good idea to make him share what’s his and what he values right from the start. He already feels like he’s losing you, forcing the sharing to feel like you’re removing almost everything from his life. In your child’s mind, his toys are very important, no matter how insignificant they may seem to you. After a while, he may be ready to share and play together.
- Spend one-on-one time with each of your children. Sometimes, no matter how tired you are, you need to take the time to be with each child individually. They appreciate the time they spend with you. It makes them happy to have them all to themselves. It means a lot to them to be able to spend time alone with them. It will make them feel closer to you and help them get to know each other better and feel more confident and secure. Even if you can only spend 15 minutes alone with them, it would do wonders.
Sometimes they’re interested in what you’re doing. Maybe they’d like to cook dinner with you, you can reverse roles with your partner and read them a bedtime story, each parent reads to a child, or even go out to read at the library. It can be fun for them and encourage you to read books.
There are always little spontaneous moments during the day that can create a bond with your child.
Find the 10 phrases to say to your children for a positive upbringing.
