When you hear the word “au pair”, do you imagine a beautiful, luscious blonde walking through the door, or a young woman fleeing her homeland? My husband and I have been welcoming au pairs every year for the past 6 years. My two daughters Albane and Léonie were 2 and 4 years old when we welcomed Inès, our first au pair. Far from being a cliché, this experience has transformed us and become a real way of life. For those who don’t know me, I’m Manuela, co-founder of BUTRFLY. I created Au Pair Butrfly with Anne-Claire in 2018.
The childcare dilemma 🚼
- The great adventure of being a mother is so rich in emotions and challenges. It has taught me so much, personally, about myself and about being human. I was 31 when I was expecting my first child, which means I’d had plenty of time for mojitos with my girlfriends and romantic vacations. So it’s true, when our baby arrived, we had to make room for him. Of all the things we’ve learned in the wonderful adventure of being a mother, one of the things that has impressed me the most is being able to detect my baby’s emotions.
I’m not saying I’m fusive with my children, but if something is going well or badly, I can see it straight away. And above all, I can’t pretend. It questions and disturbs me.
When the time came to choose my child’s daycare, this was the first thing on my mind.
Will the nanny be able to feel what I’m feeling? How does she cuddle? If she’s not affectionate, what am I going to do?
There are many complicated feelings when it comes to choosing a childminder. Separating from my child (my own baby), finding someone I can trust, who is gentle, understanding, flexible, but just right, because I don’t want to lose my place as a mom.
Managing my guilt about going back to work and not looking after my baby exclusively. Because even if I think it’s great, I can’t do it. I need to work, take care of myself and have a social life. Is this serious, Doctor? Does that make me a bad mother? Because yes, when we choose our childcare arrangements, we have to accept our choices and take responsibility for them.
After exchanges, discussions and procrastination, the search for our childcare solution was based on 2 main criteria:
- Human criteria: there’s a long list of qualities required to play the role I’m forced to give up, that of looking after my child! The hunt is on for a 6-legged sheep!
- Logistical criteria: if the rare pearl can save us spending an hour in transport every day, that would be great.
You see her coming, Madame +++, and yes, you have to take responsibility for that too!
Let’s face it, our aim is to offer our child the very best in value for money.
So when we looked at all the different childcare options, nothing was really obvious.
The balanced, sustainable solution ➡️
Until the children were 3 years old, the crèche and nanny provided us with a gentle and flexible childcare arrangement. We both worked with Stéphane and needed to be able to drop the children off at 8am and pick them up between 6 and 7pm. At the start of the new nursery school year, I wanted to avoid such long hours for the children. There were also more children, and the days were more tiring. I had to find a solution for the mornings and evenings.
As I looked around me, I realized that I was just one of the 1.5 million executive women who work, have young children and use paid childcare. We lived in Hossegor. I wanted to give my children a culturally and linguistically rich experience.
I’ve lived in Mexico and have a passion for travel. We had a spare room at home and lived in a nice area. And a big house. All these assets naturally made me think about hosting an au pair.
This solution offered me several advantages: she lived with us and shared our values and way of life. The children could see her in the mornings and evenings, and I didn’t have to move them, as she lived on site. This saved the little ones minutes of sleep. The grail would be that the au pair could speak to them in her language and take them on a trip by telling them about her country.
In short, on paper it seemed ideal.
The relationship we build 🤝
I have vivid memories of the first time we met Inès, our first au pair. We picked her up at the bus station, as she was arriving from Spain.
Albane and Léonie opened their arms and hearts to her as if they’d known her forever. The weeks that followed required a certain amount of adaptation and the establishment of routines.
Inès didn’t speak French very well, and the game quickly established itself as an obvious language and means of communication. However, for Albane, who was 4 years old and very keen to talk, it was sometimes very frustrating to be misunderstood. As time went by, the au pair gradually settled into our daily lives like a big sister. I thought of her more as my niece than my eldest daughter. I say niece, because I was less of a pain than I could be with my own child. I have to let her live her own life!
Every year, we welcome an au pair for the school term, from the start of the new school year in September to June. For the school vacations (All Saints, Christmas, winter and spring), the children go to their grandparents’ for a week, and we take a week’s vacation with them (when we can). If we’re just going as a family with no friends, we take the opportunity to leave the week free for our au pair. She’s also there to visit and travel, so she can benefit from her experience.
Reunions are always a time of great rejoicing. I love them. We’re happy to be back together, and the kids have a ball. There’s so much to talk about. And the pleasure of knowing that we still have a few months to go is overwhelming.
For many, an au pair experience is an experience of the heart. The generosity we offer our au pair is a key ingredient in the relationship, and this goes both ways.
Without idealizing, because of course some days are less euphoric than others, each new experience is an adventure. We discover a new person, a new culture, a new accent, a new life. It’s a journey we take together, for the duration of our stay, and one that builds the children’s world.
In conclusion: The desire to do it all over again 🔁
Every summer, Albane, Léonie, Stéphane and I share the same excitement. It’s a joy we share as a family. Knowing what our new au pair will be like. The 4 of us are attached to discovery, curiosity, the desire to give and to open up the family. In the end, this life has become our own.
When I ask the children, “Are we taking on an au pair this year?” the answer is unanimously affirmative. More than just a form of childcare, it has become an apprenticeship and a way of life.
The experience makes us grow as parents, because the au pair mirrors our lifestyle and our educational principles. By passing on our values and principles, we become aware of what’s important for us and for the children. It also helps us to correct or rectify certain things of which we are not always aware. Reciprocally, for the au pair, a host family experience is a transformation: when she arrives, she’s emerging from adolescence, and when she leaves, she’s becoming an adult. It’s an honor for us to participate in this important stage of her development. Each time an au pair leaves, we can only think of one question: when will the next one arrive?
